So The Boy headed to college. A week ago.
I have been terribly uninspired to write about it~ which is unusual. It IS a milestone event, if ever there was one.
But there are many. This is One.
I'm not quite sure how I feel about it, to be honest. It comes and goes in waves...
Of course, there is the stereotypical "Leaving the Nest" thing to deal with. Though, everyone I know has expected me to mentally and emotionally collapse at the very nano-second his size 13.5 foot touched the concrete steps of his campus dorm.
And don't get me wrong ~ I AM sad about it.
Aspects of it, anyway...
Though I confess, if I had not prior understood the meaning of the term "bittersweet", but really felt it melt into the core of me...
This was most certainly it.
There is a depth here I hadn't expected.
It has been an honor and a privilege to be on this journey with this amazing human being... this Boy who stole my heart and made me a Mother. This boy who is becoming his own Man.
There are emerging wings for both of us at this beautiful juncture. It will be an adventure to witness their unfolding. *And they feel like they may be rather golden. ;)
Here I am with a new foray into the writing, blogging, publishing world.
While I have been here before, it has been quite some time... 4 years maybe?
Well, it is an understatement to which I am sure we can all attest - a LOT can happen in 4 years.
It not only can... It often does.
I am not the person I was 4 short years ago. Nope ~ and in many ways, I would say I am barely recognizable as that woman, in some good ways (very good), and some damaged ways that I am still healing. I've been through a bit. The roller coaster of loss, love, crippling heartbreak, and letting go. That prosperity pendulum swung far & wide, cutting a deep swath that threatened to swallow me whole. Some days I still wonder if it will.
But what 'they' say bears a Truth..... All change leads to transformation.
And try as you might, you cannot ever go back to being the person you once were. Some of us have to be broken a little (or a lot) to find who we really are.
I can't say it better than Leonard Cohen: "There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."
As for Me? I was a photographer and a writer. I wrote for the shear joy of writing.
It was also my therapy of choice, as someone who has been accused all my life of being 'too sensitive', or being admonished that I needed to just 'not care so much'.
I wrote to channel passion, joy, insight, sadness,
& to etch in my mind's eye those most precious of moments that defined my life.
The ones that defied description I took as challenge - sifting words, cobbling poetry or prose, documenting....
and what I couldn't find words for - I photo-journaled.
Searing to memory.
Then Shit went down. Choices were made.
I broke. Shattered.
I allowed a lot of it, and in some instances chose it~ though I couldn't see that at the time.
When I tried to rebuild too fast, too soon... chock-full of fear & self-loathing-
I lost myself.
I swam in a murky darkness for a long time. I couldn't write. I couldn't see...
I couldn't find words. My head was oddly silent.
I had finally gotten to that coveted place of 'not caring'... becoming completely numb and allowing it to swallow me. I let myself stay there for a while.
And slowly the quiet became the most constricting emptiness I had ever experienced,
Yes, it's been a while. Yes, I have decided to Feel again. To really feel it. All.
Though this time without apology. It's who I am.
I am writing again. Words are powerful, & it's how I heal. It's how I listen, and help my babies to heal.
It's how we connect - the lens through which we view our world.
I'm writing. Taking photos. Creating. Living.
If I can fight my way out of a cocoon of self-doubt & fear ~ I believe that anyone can.
Our battles may all vary wildly, but I do know we all have them - we just battle different demons.
I know for certain mine is a tame storm compared to many. But I also know that we are never alone.
Not truly, and especially when we feel so the most.
No... not alone at all.
That is when Love is holding a space for us until we're ready. Though Love really looks like nothing we have been taught believe - it is a decidely singular experience, and within - not from outside. We don't hear it until we are strong enough to find our own voice. Until we are strong enough to fight for ourselves.... and one day, when we will be given the opportunity to do the same for another~ We'll be ready.
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